Friday, December 12, 2008

Depressed

I am depressed and sad.
Putting up a brave face in office, but just down and out inside. I know I will pick myself up soon.. but just wanted to wallow in my own depression and self pity for a while .. : )
The contradiction .. I know I am wallowing, just that I cant get out. Why ..?
Partly because still worried of my eyesight and how am I to provide for my family when I go blind. The results of the eye test still annoy me .. blind spots.. I have ideas on what to do so that my wife and children can have some sort of income, but so little time and so limited funds.
Partly overworked.
Partly physically unfit and angry at myself for just letting go.
Partly jealous of what others have done and my very own limitations. Got a call from a friend who is earning more than me .. as a fishmonger! Depressing.
Partly just acutely aware of my limited finances and how much I depend on just one source of income, and how much the whole family, mum, in laws, etc also depend on that one income.
Partly frightened .. how will I cope when I get blind? Can I keep it at bay till I retire at least..? No one can answer .. 3 specialist and no answer. Relax. Dont strain your eyes. Thats the best they can say. And what do I do every day - read, write, look at the computer for hours.

Sigh!

Ernest
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